Gaucho 103- The Quintessentials

Since the first time we went out on horse back, I have recieved constant criticism for wanting to be a gaucho. Gaucho this, gaucho that; I can't go anywhere without hearing how gauchos do things. Everyone who knows about my gaucho aspirations always chip in a comment too. I am constantly being told to do things that will improve my gaucho qualities. "Go make a fire James, show us you're a real gaucho; Go drop off the horse really far away, and walk back, it's gaucho training." Even though I recieve borderline harassment for wanting this status, I have taken it on my behalf to learn as much about being a gaucho as possible.

The first essential of being a gaucho is to have a really big knife. Knives are your tools for everything. Their uses include sheep slaughtering, making kindling, a weapon if you are attacked by a band of criminals, and are always usefull if you get a stray thorn from a caliphate bush (which is bound to happen). These knives are nothing to play around with, although toy can also be added to the list of uses. The average gaucho carries two at anytime; one pocket knife, and another swordlike monstrosity, all of which are as sharp as scalpels. The larger ones are called facónes, and are deserving of the unique name. The first really huge one I saw was fashioned out of an old machete. The long steel blade had been ground down to the finest edge. It was awesome, and cut through an asado lamb like a light sabor. I keep wondering if a knife can ever be too sharp, but until one of my fingers gets sliced off from checking the edge, I'm going to assume there is no such thing. Another essential accessory to the knife is the sheath. Sheaths are nice because they don't allow things to get cut unintentionally. Since the invention of the sheath, horse deaths by facón transportation have dropped dramatically.

Secondly, you must be able to leap over boulders on horseback going straight down a mountainside at full gallop. By leaping over boulders I mean you need to have keen horsemanship skills. The most important part of your horsemanship skills is your ability to use a whip. Frequent cracks without hesitation is the choice method of use. Personally, I think the horses like being smacked around a few times. You should see them out in the corral galloping around, ready to be sattled up. Its like a dog wanting to go for a walk; a really abusive one. These are solid horses too; not just your run of the mill thorough breds. These mutt horses have blood lines from all the wildest of escaped cattle rustlin' stock. I'm pretty sure their diversity in backgrounds have allowed them to express all the best qualities of each breed, or at least the qualities that aren't phased by the constant whipping. All of them are strictly gaucho horses. They don't even need brands. If you aren't their owner, or at least have the approval of the owner, they will probably eat you. Don't even attempt to feed them an apple, they don't like them. They would much rather go for gringo flesh.

The third, and most important skill for the manliest of men in the world is to be proficient in Home Economics. Blade, and whipping skills, are no match to needle point proficiency. The average gaucho must be able to cook a hardy meal complete with fresh tortas (because you are judged primarily by the quality of the bread you make); make a saddle, whip, or chaps; and also be hospitable if any guests happen upon your puesto. A gaucho without a warm fire, and Maté on hand ready to serve should be totally ashamed, and probably should leave the country (and go to Texas or something).

So far, I have a few skills down. I can make a pretty mean torta, I have a pocket knife that is fairly sharp, and I can catch and saddle my own horse without getting chunks bitten out of me. The problem with learning this, is that it is just the basics. I still haven't gotten into the social aspects like the quaker dancing, or the art of dirty double speak. They keep asking me if I jump like a rabbit, and if I like meat raw or cooked. I'm definately going to have to do some further investigations.